Post by ladomini on Jul 29, 2005 23:32:30 GMT -5
Firstly, I want to say thank you for all the bad times as well as the good times, although they sometimes get clouded by the bad. I thank you for the bad times because they were the times where I learned the most about life. I don't know what I would have done or who I would be if it wasn't for your tough love. However, I really hope you don't get offended when I say this, there are times where I would wish you didn't exist because I felt that you didn't love me. That even though you would be proud of my good grades, you just couldn't see the real me and you couldn't love the person that I wanted to be. I know that these letters are supposed to be uplifting, but as you will learn from the encounter, sometimes you need to be brought down before God can lift you up. I am taking this time to finally, once and for all stand up for myself and who I am. This is who I am, mom, I am your daughter, first and foremost and I have done all I can to become the daughter you want me to be, but as I had to find out, I couldn't have the mother I wanted, I had to do with the mother God gave me, and I am satisfied with the mother he gave me, so I hope you can also be satisfied with the daughter he gave you. One of the things I had to do at the encounter was to forgive you, but when forgiving you I realized that I had already forgiven you a long time ago, I just never came up to you to ask for your forgiveness. I am now 19, and I can't even imagine living out of this household that you have provided for me. Sometimes I worry that you hold on too tightly to me, that when you let me loose, I will just fall flat on my face. It is at these times that I realize that I have been blaming you for all the bad things you have done to me instead of looking at my own mistakes. Which is another thing mother, if I can look at my own mistakes, why can't you look at your own? Do you realize that the more you mess up, the more you make it harder for me to look up to you? Don't you see that with the more anger you express, the harder it is for me to love you despite of your faults? I know that you can never love me the way God loves me, but can you at least love me and appreciate me the way a mother is supposed to love me? Now that all that is said, there is some things I need to say, that I've been wanting to say my whole entire life......I LOVE YOU, NOT BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, BUT BECAUSE OF WHO YOU ARE. YOU ARE A WOMAN OF DESTINY, A WOMAN OF EXCELLENCE, BECAUSE OF YOU, I KNOW WHO GOD IS, FOR YOU TOOK THE TIME OUT TO TAKE US TO CHURCH WHEN WE WERE SMALLER, BECAUSE OF YOU, I CAN HANDLE MYSELF IN CERTAIN SITUATIONS, AND BECAUSE OF YOU, I KNOW THAT IN LIFE I WILL NEVER NEED, FOR YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE TO SUPPLY WHEN YOU COULD. I love you mom, and I don't know how much longer I will be living under your roof, but no matter how long it is, know that I don't have any hard feelings against you, that when I do things, it's not out of anger, but out of love. I don't hate you mother, so stop acting like I do, when I do things, I don't have any ulterior motives, they just come from the heart. If I have done anything to hurt you, then please forgive me. I hope that you will start to see me as I see you, a woman of destiny. One of the things that I hope you always remember is, that no matter how old I get, I will always be your youngest daughter, and even if you fail to see it, I will try my best not to disappoint you. In case you don't know it, the hardest thing for me to accept is disappointment, that's my biggest fear, to disappoint you would be the worst thing in the world. I hope that I can make you proud of me, the real me, not the me you tell your family so they won't gossip bad about us, but the person that I really am. Just because I hold many traits Sandra does, she is her own person. In case you don't know it, the traits you hate most from Sandra, are the same exact traits that you hold yourself. The same traits you have passed on to me. Family will always be important to me, because I see how you are with your family, and I can only hope that me and my sisters never turn out like you and your siblings, because I see how it is, and sorry to say, it sickens me. One can only hope that we all can learn from your mistakes, as well as your successes, which you have a lot of them. You have succeeded in raising 5 children, who each possess good things in them because of what you have instilled in our lives.... you have a husband who has stayed by your side all these years even when he could have left you after he saw that you no longer loved him (and in case you don't know mom, Dad loves you, he loves you soo much, and I hope that one day you realize that marriage is about compromise, that in order to get what you want, you have to put something into it..... and also, whenever you say something bad about Dad, you are saying something bad about us children, he's our father, his blood runs through our veins, if you are ashamed of him, well, you are ashamed of us), you have managed to get by and look, you were able to go back to school, and not only that, you are months away from getting your Masters degree..... you have all you need in the world, and I hope that you will finally see that and accept all that God has blessed you with. Ok.... I know by the time you finish reading this, you are probably going to either get mad or sad, or who knows how you will react... and you know what, for once I can finally say, it matters to me, but that's not going to stop me from saying what I had to say.